Melkor's Restaurant
by Lily Lindsey-Aubery
Summary: Melkor's Restaurant serves food fit for the halls of Mandos! Only fresh ingredients used. No shirt, no shoes, no service. Open 24/7 every day of the week.
1. 1 One Cupcake to Rule Them All

_A/N: :D Hello, everyone! Here is the story, and I hope you all enjoy. Warning: This is very, very, incredibly AU. Surprised? Also, although it is AU, it is also based off of the movie universe._

* * *

Melkor's Restaurant is an establishment owned and run by Lord Sauron, not by Melkor as one would at first think. The dark Melkor was cast into the void by competing restaurant owners, but he left his restaurant to his surviving lieutenant, Sauron.

Lord Sauron did not look like a threat to the competition at first, so they let him be; but they came to regret that decision in the end.

* * *

The restaurant is changed. I taste it in the beverages, I taste it in the entrees. I smell it in the air... Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it.

It began with the baking of the Great Cupcakes.

Three were given to the Elves, immortal, most talented... most tasteful of all beings.

Seven to the Dwarf Lords, great cooks and bakers of the pubs and taverns.

And nine... nine cupcakes were gifted to the race of Men who, above all else, desire chocolate.

For within these cupcakes was bound the strength and will to feed each race.

But they were all of them deceived... for another cupcake was made.

In Melkor's Restaurant, in the fires of the Oven of Doom, the great chef Sauron baked in secret a Master Cupcake to control all others. And into this Cupcake he poured his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all sustenance.

One Cupcake to rule them all...

One by one the cheap restaurants fell to the power of the Cupcake. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of Men and Elves entered in a competition against the bakers of Sauron's restaurant. In the Oven of Doom they competed for the freedom of the food industry. Victory was near!

But the power of the Cupcake could not be undone. The great chef Sauron ate all the competing baked goods. But with great courage, one critic, named Elendil, denounced Sauron as a cheater. Sauron killed him.

It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the critic, took up his father's pen.

He wrote a scathing review about the dark chef's foods. Sauron, the enemy of the free customers of Melkor's Restaurant, was defeated.  
The Cupcake passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever.

But the hearts of Men are easily corrupted by chocolate. And the Cupcake of power has a will of its own. It gave Isildur a dreadful, insatiable desire for chocolate; he ate too much, and the Cupcake betrayed him to his death.

And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost.

History became legend, legend became myth. And for two and a half thousand years the Cupcake passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new eater.

The Cupcake came to the customer Gollum, who took it deep into the sewers of the town.

There he consumed it, but there was ever more. It was never gone. 'It came to me. My own. My love... my preciousness.' That is what he called it, for such is what it was.

The Cupcake brought to Gollum unnatural long life. For five hundred years it poisoned him. And in the gloom of Gollum's sewer it waited.

Darkness crept back into the restaurants of the town. Rumor grew of food poisoning in the East, whispers of a nameless brand. And the Cupcake of power perceived. Its time had now come. It abandoned Gollum.

But something happened then the Cupcake did not intend.

It was picked up by the most unlikely customer imaginable... A fast-food eater, Bilbo Baggins of McDonald's.

The time will soon come when fast-food eaters will shape the meals of all.

* * *

**Warning: Do not proceed past this point if you have unpleasant reactions to randomness, etc. It gets worse in the next chapters. Prepare yourselves for craziness. **  
**~The Management**

_A/N: This story may not proceed very rapidly, because I'm working on several others. Be warned!  
:) :) :) :) :) Please review! Reviews are awesome. I will love you forever! (: (: (: (: (:_


	2. 2 Time to Leave McDonald's

_**A/N: Hello again everyone! Thank you reviewers, followers, and favouriters! :D **__TimeyWimeyGirl,__** thank you! It has been fun to write. **__OneSizeFitsAll,__** I'm glad I made you laugh. Thanks for telling me which parts you like. It's helpful. :) I will write more. **__Elleth of Hidden Lore,__** I don't know where the idea came from. I think I somehow twisted a line from the movie into having something to do with food, but now I can't remember what it was... **__Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant,__** Haha, I promise there will be lots of randomness for you! **__ccgaylord,__** I would have been like Isildur, also. Cupcakes+chocolate=awesomeness. **__Mirlasse,__** I know! While I was writing it, I heard Cate Blanchett's voice in my head, too (which is kind of creepy. Galadriel always creeps me out). Yes, it's true that men desire chocolate, but I think women do even more... ;) **__Luaithreach__**, I'm so glad you like it! I wish you all the luck in the world in finding that chocolate... :P **__BlackMinx17,__** Woohoo! I'm glad it made that much of an impression on you... ;) **__the witch cat warg,__** all I can say is, I agree with you 100%! choco-LAT! That should be the Orcs' war cry... **__CloveClove,__** XD cupcakes rule!... just like the One Ring. :P **__EvenstarWarrior,__** ha, thank you! Like I said, I don't know where it came from. I have what my sister would call a 'perverted imagination' (that's how she describes George Lucas' creative genius :P). **_  
_**Thank you, reviewers, favouriters, and followers, and may all your life road be paved with chocolate!**_

**One more thing, since I don't think I did this for the last chapter: **  
**Disclaimer: I do not own anything that Tolkein does, nor do I own any restaurants that you recognize. However, Melkor's and every dish and dessert in it are all mine! Including the One Cupcake to rule them all. Muahahahahaha... Tolkein hates me and will come back from the dead to haunt me in the form of his son suing me. ;(**

* * *

_60 Years Later..._

Gandalf the Grey drove along the road in his old Ford pickup, chewing on the stem of his long pipe. Suddenly he slammed on the brakes, for there beside the road stood Frodo Baggins, thumbing for a ride. Frodo cringed as the breaks squealed.

'You're late,' he said irritably, as Gandalf rolled down the window.

'A critic is never late, Frodo Baggins,' said Gandalf. 'Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.'

Frodo smirked. 'It's wonderful to see you, Gandalf,' he admitted, jumping into the truck.

'You didn't think I'd miss your Uncle Bilbo's birthday?' said Gandalf, smiling.

'What news of culinary interest?' asked Frodo, as the car chugged slowly down the road. 'Tell me everything!'

Gandalf looked down at Frodo, a twinkle in his eye. 'What, everything?' he asked. 'Far too eager and curious for a McDonald's customer. Most unnatural... Well, what can I tell you? Chefs in most restaurants go on much as they have before. Full of their own recipes, scarcely even aware of the existence of fast food... for which I am very thankful.' Gandalf blew a smoke ring out the window. 'Ah, the long expected party. So, how is the old rascal? I hear it's going to be a party of Special Magnificence.'

'You know Bilbo,' said Frodo. 'He's got the whole place in an uproar. Half the McDonald's employees have been invited.'

'Good gracious me,' said Gandalf, coughing.

'He's up to something,' said Frodo, looking suspiciously at Gandalf.

'Oh, really?' said the critic, trying to look innocent and failing miserably.

Frodo frowned. 'All right, then, keep your secrets. Before you came along, McDonald's was very well thought of.'

'Indeed?' said Gandalf, amused.

'Never had any new menus or did anything unexpected.'

'If you're referring to the incident with the horse meat, I was barely involved. All I did was give the health inspector a little nudge out the door.'

'Whatever you did,' said Frodo, 'you've been officially labelled as a Disturber of the Peace.'

'Oh, really?' said the critic, looking unconcerned.

'Gandalf,' said Frodo, sighing, 'I'm glad you're back.' He jumped out of the rickety truck.

'So am I, dear boy,' said Gandalf, 'so am I.'

* * *

There was a ring as the door swung open.

'No, thank you!' yelled Bilbo. 'We don't want any more visitors, well wishers, or distant relations.'

'And what about very old- I mean, young! Young and spry- friends?' asked Gandalf.

'Gandalf?' asked Bilbo in surprise.

'It's good to see you,' said the critic. 'You're so old!' Bilbo frowned. 'You haven't aged a day,' Gandalf hastened to add. Bilbo's features relaxed again.

'Come in, welcome!' he said. He lead the way to the counter. 'Coke? Or maybe something stronger... I've a few boxes of instant coffee left, expired decades ago. It's terrible, it's almost as old as I am.' Bilbo disappeared into the back of the restaurant, and Gandalf looked around, enjoying the familiarity of McDonald's.

'I was expecting you some time last week,' said Bilbo, fiddling with cups behind the counter. 'Not that it matters, you come and go as you please, always have done, always will.' He snapped some lids on the coffee cups. 'You've caught me a bit unprepared, I'm afraid. We've only got a number one with fries. Hope it's enough. I could get you a shake if you like?'

'Just Coke, thank you,' said Gandalf. Bilbo huffed. He had spent all that time getting coffee for nothing. Oh, well; he'd save it for some other customer and heat it in the microwave.

Suddenly there was the honk of a horn.

'Bilbo Baggins, you come give me my drive-through,' said a very angry voice. It was Lobelia Sackville-Baggins.

'I'm not working today,' whispered Bilbo, ducking behind the counter. He waited until the sound of the angry customer died away. 'I've got to get away from these confounded relatives, going through the drive-through and asking for endless discounts,' he said, sighing. 'I want to eat food again, _real_ food, Gandalf. And then find somewhere quiet where I can finish my candy stash.'

'So, you mean to go through with your plan, then?' asked the critic.

'Yes, yes,' said Bilbo, filling a cup with Coke, 'it's all in hand. All the arrangements are made.'

'Frodo suspects something,' said Gandalf warningly.

'Of course he does,' said Bilbo, rubbing a straw up and down through the plastic lid. Gandalf cringed at the squeaky noise. 'He's a Baggins,' Bilbo continued, 'not some block head Bracegirdle from Wendy's.'

'You will tell him, won't you?' asked Gandalf.

'Yes, yes,' said Bilbo unconcernedly.

'He's very fond of food.'

'I know,' admitted Bilbo. 'He'd probably come with me if I asked him. I think, in his heart, Frodo's still in love with McDonald's food, the burgers and fries...' Bilbo sighed. 'I am old, Gandalf. I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my third finger of my left hand.'

Gandalf rolled his eyes.

'It's time for me to leave McDonald's,' Bilbo announced.

* * *

_A/N: Woohoo! Chapter 2! :D I hope you guys like this one. Unfortunately, at the rate I'm going, it's going to take a while to get to the actual adventure... :/ But we'll be there eventually! Question of the day: What would you name an autobiography of your life? '101 Things to NOT do Before You Die'?... :P That's mine! Or 'Fanfiction for Dummies' or 'Le Misérable Lily Lindsey-Aubery', or something like that. ;) _


	3. 3 The Food Goes Ever On and On

_A/N: I'm baaaaaack! ,'D Thank you reviewers! It's so fun to hear from you! __**TimeyWimeyGirl,**__ haha, sounds like me :P. I'm glad you liked the chapter! __**Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant,**__ oh, don't go to McDonalds. Terrible place ;). Oh, yes, Frodo must either be much bigger, or else maybe he begins to like really good food and won't eat bad stuff anymore, and so loses tons of weight. Maybe he's like Ego in Ratatouille... __**OneSizeFitsAll**__, well, Gandalf is a rather eccentric critic. And when he spoke of the horse meat, he meant that McDonald's was using horse meat, so he gave the health inspector a nudge out the door, and the inspector found out and apparently ended that terribleness. :P __**Luaithreach**__, awesome! Chocolate! And you are not alone in your apparent insanity ;) I think everyone is human, but things may develop more as I go along; for example, the Ents may be something else, or they may not. Bilbo is busy collecting his stash, though I believe he already has quite a bit saved up. I think he's rather stingy, but if you ask _very_ nicely... __**Guest**__ whose name I don't know, I'm sorry, I wouldn't do that fic well since I haven't seen Game of Thrones. I've read its description but that's the extent of my knowledge about it. :( __**Quiet**__**Hiker**__, I'm so glad you like my story! Thank you! __**CloveClove**__, yes, I have almost decided to start a randomness forum for those among us who are just a little bit insane... so that I know I'm not alone. ;) Oh, if you got rich and published that book I would totally read it! :P __**Mirlasse**__, all your titles sound like books I would want to read. And maybe you can convince Bilbo to share with you, too! ;) __**ccgaylord**__, haha! Success! I made someone unconscious from laughter! Mission accomplished. Oh, yes, the endless relatives and the endless discounts... ;) Yes, the title is cool. When are ya going to write it? ;D __**2MFriedmanFreak**__, yes, that comes from experience. Happens at my job all the time (relatives asking for discounts)! __**OneSizeFitsAll**__, 'The Last Rants of a Lunatic' LOL love it! XD_  
_on to chapter 3..._

Chapter 3.

Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee sat at a table in Chuck E. Cheese's, along with many other customers. They were attending Bilbo's birthday, and hundreds had been invited

'Go on, Sam,' said Frodo, jabbing his friend in the ribs, 'ask Rosie for a soda.'

Sam was horrified. Didn't Frodo know he was trying to watch his weight? 'I think I'll just have myself another water.'

'Oh, no you don't,' said Frodo, who didn't want Sam to get as skinny as him. He grabbed Sam's cup and replaced it with his own. Sam picked it up without looking and drank some. He choked. Frodo laughed and finished his water.

Suddenly a huge explosion shook Chuck E. Cheese's.

'Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took,' said Gandalf, grabbing the two miscreants by the ears, 'I might have known!' The two bad customers had broken one of the games by stuffing pizza inside it.

At that moment there was a roar from someone in the restaurant.

'Speech!' he yelled.

Bilbo was only too happy to oblige.

'My dear customers and employees of McDonald's,' he began. 'Today is my birthday. Yes, and alas, my life has been too short for enjoying McDonalds' excellent fast food! I don't eat half of its meals half as much as I should like; and I like less than half of them half as well as they deserve.' Bilbo paused and began acting strange. 'I have foods to ea- I mean, things to do, and I've put this off far too long. I regret to announce, this is the end. I am going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell!'

Suddenly, to the amazement of all the customers and workers present, Bilbo Baggins vanished. Frodo gasped, and the restaurant went into an uproar.

* * *

'I suppose you think that was terribly clever?' said Gandalf, frightening Bilbo, who was getting himself a happy meal to take with him, half to death.

'Come on, Gandalf!' said Bilbo. 'Did you see their faces?'

'There are many chocolate cupcakes in the world, Bilbo Baggins,' said the critic sternly, 'and none of them should be eaten lightly. They will make you fat.'

'It was just a bit of fun. Oh, you're probably right as usual. You will keep and eye on Frodo, won't you? I'm leaving everything to him.'  
'What about that Cupcake of yours? Is that staying too?' asked Gandalf.

'Yes, yes, it's in the container over there on the cash register.' Bilbo started, feeling his pocket. 'No, wait. It's here in my pocket. Isn't that odd, now?' Bilbo got out the Cupcake and stared at it. 'After all, why not? Why shouldn't I keep it?'

'I think you should leave the Cupcake behind, Bilbo,' said the critic critically. 'Is that so hard?'

'Well, no,' said Bilbo. 'And yes. Now it comes to it, I don't feel like parting with it. It's mine. I found it. It came to me!'

'There's no need to get angry.'

'Well, if I'm angry, it's your fault!' said Bilbo, who loved chocolate and couldn't bear the thought of it being taken from him. 'It's mine. My own, my precious.'

'Precious?' Gandalf looked startled. 'It's been called that before, but not by you.'

'So? What business is it of yours what I do with my own things?'

'I think you've had that Cupcake quite long enough,' said Gandalf. 'You eat too much chocolate, anyways.'

'You want it for yourself!' said Bilbo angrily.

'Bilbo Baggins!' yelled the critic, 'do not take me for some eater of convenience foods! I'm not trying to rob you. I am trying to help you. All these long years we've been friends. Trust me as you once did. Let it go!' The song began playing in the background (and will now be stuck in your head for the rest of the day).

'You're right, Gandalf,' Bilbo sniffed, 'the Cupcake must go to Frodo.' He sighed. 'It's late, the road is long... yes, it is time.'

'Bilbo?' said Gandalf.

'Hmmm?' asked Bilbo, picking up his happy meal and preparing to depart.

'The Cupcake is still in your pocket.'

'Oh, yes,' said Bilbo uncomfortably. With a great effort he dropped it on the counter. He sighed. 'I've thought up a topping for my next ice cream sundae: chocolate, caramel, marshmallow, mint topping. It will taste wonderful.'

Gandalf made a face. 'I'm sure it will, my dear friend,' he lied.

'Goodbye, Gandalf,' said Bilbo.

'Goodbye, Bilbo,' Gandalf returned. 'Until our next meeting,' he added, trying to make it sound significant.

* * *

_Duh duh dun... *music notes of destiny* what will happen? Will Gandalf steal the cupcake? Will Frodo be tormented by the Sackville-Bagginses? Will Samwise Gamgee lose weight? _

_*Fade out...*_

_*Fade back in* I have a poll on my profile and I would appreciate it if you guys would vote! Please? Virtual chocolate cupcakes of epicness to those who vote!_


	4. 4 McDonald's! Baggins!

_A/N: Ollo! How's everyone? __**Mirlasse,**__ sorry about getting IT stuck in your head... :P Yes, probably that Cupcake would be in bits if it weren't the Cupcake of epicness. __**OneSizeFitsAll**__, don't worry about Sam. He's eaten McDonald's food all his life; there's no hope of him ever getting skinny. __**Teapot of transformation,**__ glad you like it! Thanks for reviewing! Btw, your pen name has me laughing. __**CloveClove**__, CUPCAKES! While writing this story I have serious cravings... __**LaurielS**__, ramdomness rocks! Thank you. Here's your next chapter. :) __**ccgaylord**__, lol too bad I'll have to wait so long; I was looking forward to it! ;) __**2MFriedmanFreak**__, your autobiography sounds like something I wouldn't need to read; I already know the ten worst ways to promote sanity... I have just recently discovered that I am not paranoid like I thought I was. Someone told me that you're only paranoid when you think everyone is going to kill you and they're not, not if you think everyone's going to kill you and they are. I thought I was paranoid because I think everyone's crazy; but happily I'm not paranoid after all, since everyone __is__ crazy. __**LadyOfAnfalas**__, I will try with all my will-power to do the whole LotR. I will make it through! But it may take quite a while. LotR is sooo long! But that's part of its greatness. **MOSObsessed, **I'm sad you can't vote, too. ;( Everyone else has to to make up for it! **ThurinRanger, **thanks! I love to know that this story is enjoyed. _

**Chapter 4.**

'Get out, get out, get out of my head,' sang Frodo, entering and slamming the door. 'And fall into Mount Doom instead. I don't, I don't, don't know what it is, but I need that one Ring, and you've got that One Ring.' He banged on the counter. 'Bilbo!' he yelled. 'Bilbo! I want my deluxe thingy with fries and a drink!'

'My precious,' muttered Gandalf, chewing on his pipe. Frodo started.

'Oh, Gandalf,' he said. 'What are you doing here? You're not supposed to smoke in McDonald's.' He looked around for Bilbo. 'He's gone, hasn't he?' Frodo sighed. 'He talked for so long about leaving... I didn't think he'd really do it.' He noticed the cupcake on the counter.

'Bilbo's cupcake,' Gandalf observed. 'He's gone to work at a better restaurant,' he explained. 'He's left you his job at McDonald's... along with all his possessions.'

Gandalf grabbed the cupcake and put it in a happy meal bag. Then he handed it to Frodo. 'The cupcake is yours now; but keep it somewhere out of sight.'

'Where are you going?' asked Frodo, seeing that Gandalf was getting ready to leave.

'I have some things I must see to,' said Gandalf.

'What things?'

'Hunger,' he said. 'Hunger that needs satisfying.'

'You've only just arrived!' said Frodo. 'I don't understand...'

_Of course a fast-food eater like you wouldn't understand that I'll never eat McDonald's food,_ he thought, but aloud he said, 'Neither do I. Keep it secret, keep it safe.' He hurried out the door, leaving Frodo standing alone in McDonald's.

Gandalf jumped in his pickup truck and chugged with what speed he could to the cooking store. He searched feverishly for the cook book by Isildur the son of the critic.

'Eureka!' he cried, grabbing it off the shelf and sitting down to read it.

'"Here follows the account of Isildur, Chef of Gondor, and the finding of the Cupcake of Power,"' he read. '"It has come to me... the Cupcake of Power! It shall be an heirloom of my restaurant... all those who follow in my bloodline shall be bound to its fate, for I will risk no hurt to the Cupcake... it is precious to me, though I eat it with great pain."' Gandalf paused and considered for a moment. 'My precious,' he muttered. 'Hmm. "The marking written in icing begins to fade. The writing which at first was as clear as crystal has all but disappeared; a secret now that only milk can tell..."'

Farmer Maggot was busily chopping wood in his garden, when up out of the blue drove a shiny black Acura. To say the farmer was surprised would put it too mildly; nice cars were never seen around here.

A man in a suit and dark sunglasses got out of the car. Farmer Maggot had not watched very many movies, but he didn't need to to know that this man was up to no good. The man approached.

'McDonald's? Baggins?' he hissed.

'There's no Bagginses around here!' Farmer Maggot croaked, terribly afraid that the man in the suit would pull a gun any second. 'They all work at the McDonald's, that way.' He pointed a trembling finger.

The mysterious man was back in his sleek car and zipping away before the farmer had time to recover himself.

Frodo was just about to lock up McDonald's for the night. He paused, sensing that something was amiss. Suddenly a dark figure lunged for him and grabbed him by the collar.

'Gandalf?' said Frodo, startled. 'I knew that,' he reminded himself.

'Is it secret? Is it safe?' Gandalf looked like a maniac; paranoia blazed in his eyes, and he was unkempt from travelling in his old farm-use pickup for such a long distance.

Frodo somehow realized what he was talking about, and pulled out the Cupcake from his pocket.

'It's a little smushed,' he admitted. 'But I didn't eat a single bite!'

Gandalf snatched the Cupcake and ran to the giant McDonald's refrigerator.

'What are you doing?' screamed Frodo, as the critic dunked the Cupcake in the milk he had just bought. He lifted it back out.

'Hold out your hand, Frodo,' he ordered, 'It's quite dry. Can you see anything?'

'Nothing, there's nothing,' said Frodo, examining the Cupcake. 'Wait!'

Gandalf swallowed hard. On the Cupcake writing began to appear. 'It's some form of Elvish,' said Frodo the naive. 'I can't read it.'

Gandalf put on his ominous face. 'There are few who can,' he said dolefully. 'The language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here.'

'Uh, why?' asked Frodo.

'In the common tongue,' said the critic, ignoring him, 'it says, "One Cupcake to rule them all, One Cupcake to find them, One Cupcake to bring them all, and make them all fat."'

'?' said Frodo.

'This is the one Cupcake baked by the dark chef Sauron, in the fires of the oven of Doom... taken by Isildur from the hand of Sauron himself.'

'Bilbo found it... in Gollum's cave,' said Frodo.

'For sixty years the Cupcake lay quiet in Bilbo's keeping, prolonging his life, delaying old age... but no longer, Frodo. Evil is stirring in Mordor. The Cupcake has awoken. It has heard its master's call.'

'That's creepy,' observed Frodo. 'Anyways, I thought Chef Sauron was destroyed!'

'No, Frodo,' said the critic. 'The spirit of Sauron has endured. His life force is bound to the Cupcake-'

'The Force!' yelled Frodo, jumping up and doing a jedi move. Gandalf lowered his eyebrows. Frodo sat back down with a thump.

'Is bound to the Cupcake,' the critic went on, 'and the Cupcake survived. Sauron has returned. His cooks have multiplied... his restaurant of Mordor is rebuilt. Sauron needs only this Cupcake to cover all the lands in the second fatness. He is seeking it, seeking it, all his thoughts are bent on it. For the Cupcake yearns, above all else, to return to the hand of its master: they are one, the Cupcake and the dark chef. Frodo, he must never find it.'

Frodo scooped up the Cupcake. 'Alright! We'll put it away, we'll keep it hidden! We'll never speak of it again. No one knows it's here, do they?'

Gandalf shifted uncomfortably. 'There is one other who knew that Bilbo had the Cupcake,' he said. 'I looked everywhere for the creature Gollum, but the enemy found him first. I don't know how long they tortured him with threats of no more oreos, but amidst the endless screams and inane babble, they discerned two words: McDonald's, Baggins!'

'That will lead them here!' said Frodo, horrified.

* * *

The song that Frodo is singing at the beginning of this chapter: Who can name the original? :P Whoever can figure out what song it is gets one free virtual Chef Sauron plushie. One prize per family, only while supplies last.

Side Note of Randomness: My nephew and sister playing a game; my nephew, seeing my sister walking around with a staff (which, in this case, was nothing more than a long stick), suddenly yelled into a block of wood (which, I assume, was an intercom), 'Captain, captain! A bad guy wizard has appeared!' LOL makes me want to do a Captain America/LotR mixup... ;)

One more thing, all of you awesome readers: Good humorous stories are few and far between, but sometimes I manage to find some. These I add to my favourites; so if ever you are searching for a good laugh, go read those. I promise that each and every one of those stories is amazing. Also, there are several authors who are just unbelievable. OneSizeFitsAll, ccgaylord, and Erestor are some of these. I would really recommend their work if you're wanting something to read. I love them so much, and imo they need more recognition (except for Erestor, who everybody in the LotR fandom who likes humor knows about and loves). The only problem is that if you read their stories you won't think mine is as great anymore... :P

Question of the day: Oh, this is an evil one, but I want something to laugh at. What story does your family always tell about you? And bonus question: Have any of you seen/heard of the Lord of the Rings Musical? O.o Your opinion on the subject?

*music notes of destiny again* What will happen to Frodo? How did Gandalf know about Gollum's torture? Is Gandalf the real villain? Or am I just saying that to worry you? Will the Cupcake be destroyed?  
*fade out*


	5. 5 Abandoning Luwak for Starbucks

_A/N: Here I am, finally, again. YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING! Thanks for voting on my poll! I love you forever! As of right now, Melkor's Restaurant is winning, with LoL coming in second and MEA, UHW, Old Stories, ME:MC, and Don't Wait! all tying for third place. Looks like I'll be writing Melkor's Restaurant for a lllooooonnnggg time... but that's OK with me! :D Thanks as always for the reviews; remember, you silent readers, that a fan fiction author's only reward for the long hours he toils over his amazing (:P) work is the reviews that his kind readers leave for him. :) Don't be shy; leave a review. You know you want to! _  
_**Mirlasse**__, I'm fantastic (in more ways than one)! Oh, you listen to soundtracks too? I love doing that. It's literally my favourite kind of music. And Howard Shore is awesome! Haha, sometimes younger siblings are useful for that... I haven't seen the musical, either, though I've listened to some of the music. Still formulating an opinion. Yes, I think Gimli will smash it; but I haven't yet gotten there in my brainstorming, so it may end up different than I expect. __**CloveClove**__, You are exactly right! :P One chef Sauron plushie coming right up! lol You fell asleep during dinner? XD I haven't done that... yet. __**OneSizeFitsAll**__, nope, no chef Sauron plushie for you. :P Hey, what about that time you and Alex Hollister were trying to fold the table cloth? You were both holding it up above your heads and began walking towards each other until... bonk! That was really funny... __**LotR**__-__**HP**__-__**PJ**__, thanks for reviewing! You are the honorary new reviewer for today! Nice to meet you. Wow, you can do that? I know some books have smells; there's this one set I have that has a really distinctive one. But I don't think I could identify very many books that way. __**ThurinRanger**__, cool! I would like to see it some time. Maybe next time I go somewhere where I can stream video. Unfortunately I can't watch youtube at my house; takes too much bandwidth or something. I have liked the music I've listened to so far, but not sure about Gollum. Andy Serkis is the only Gollum for me, I think. XD I have this horrible habit of unconsciously viewing my reviewers in my mind's eye as looking like their avatars. So imagine the mental picture I came up with: Faramir in an Elsa dress and heels throwing snow and singing in Latin! LOL Did you post the video on youtube? I wanna see it! ;D __**ccgaylord**__, I know it doesn't rhyme. I think that's what Frodo was thinking when he said '?'. Oh yeah, my Nazgul rocks. __**Luaithreach**__, you are right! Another chef Sauron plushie for you! Here is your update; sadly it wasn't soon, but here it is at last! __**MOSObsessed, **__no, only evil Chef Saurons bake cupcakes. :P Well... maybe, if you're very good... __**LadyofAnfalas, **__Yes, I'm trying to make it through the whole thing. So sorry that this chapter took so long in coming. I didn't expect it to take this long. But I promise that I will never leave everyone to wonder whether I'm gone forever or not. If I ever decide to quit a story, or stop fan ficcing, I will post in my profile that I have, and not leave everyone hanging, wondering if I'll ever show up again *cough*Erestor*cough* _  
_Here's my answer to the question of the day: Has anyone here played Apples to Apples? Once when I was playing it with my family, when I happened to be the judge, the adjective was 'Brave'. Out of all the nouns put in, I chose 'Mildew' as the winner. Don't ask me why; I'm still trying to figure out. Remember, this was a long, looong time ago... ;P Btw, it's a really fun game. _  
_aah, I'm running out of Sauron plushies; you people are unpredictably smart!... uh, that sounded really wrong. What I mean is, I wasn't expecting everyone to be so smart! Well, maybe I should have been. Forget it._

_Ok, so here, finally, is: Chapter Fiiiiivvvee!_

**chapter 5.**

Frodo trembled in horror.

'Take it, take it!' he cried, holding the cupcake out to Gandalf.

'No, Frodo...' protested the critic.

'You must eat it!'

'Don't tempt me, Frodo!' cried the critic, looking longingly at the cupcake of destiny. 'I would eat this cupcake to keep everyone else from eating it and getting fat; but through me, it would make someone too fat and terrible to imagine.'

'But it cannot stay in McDonald's!' said Frodo.

'You must leave McDonald's, and leave quickly.'

'Where should I go?'

'Make for the drive-through of Burger King.'

'Burger King?... What about you?'

'I'll be waiting for you at the checkout counter.'

'And the cupcake will be safe there?' asked Frodo doubtfully.

'I don't know, Frodo. I'm gonna go talk to the Head Critic. He'll know what to do... Frodo, you'll have to leave the name Baggins behind you. From now on you'll be Mr. McFlurry.'

'Uh, Ok.'

'What was that?' asked the critic suddenly.

'What?'

'I heard a noise.'

'I didn't-'

With one quick movement, Gandalf reached his hand out the drive-through window and grabbed something by its coat. He was surprised to find Samwise Gamgee in his grip.

'Confound it all! Samwise Gamgee, have you been sneaking ice cream?'

'I ain't been eating no ice cream, sir! Honest.'

'What did you hear? Speak!'

'Nothing important... that is, I heard a good deal about a cupcake... and a Dark Chef. And something about everyone getting fat, but... Please, Mr. Gandalf, sir, don't hurt me! Don't turn me into anything unnatural!'

'No?' Gandalf smiled evilly. 'Perhaps not. I've thought of a better use for you.'

* * *

The next day, Frodo found himself standing on the street with Samwise and Gandalf, ready to start the journey to Burger King.

'Be careful, both of you. The enemy has many spies in his service, many ways of hearing. Never eat it, Frodo, for then the agents of the Dark Chef will be drawn to its power... Always remember, Frodo, the cupcake is trying to get back to its baker. It wants to be eaten.' Gandalf, after revealing this disturbing revelation, leaped into his pick-up and drove away in a cloud of dust and smoke.

'Come on, Sam,' said Frodo, 'let's try to hitch a ride.'

* * *

Gandalf drove at full speed (which, in his truck, was thirty mph) towards the dark and forbidding Starbucks. Hopping out of his truck he approached the great Head Critic, Saruman, who sat at a table drinking coffee.

'Smoke rises once more from the Oven of Doom,' said Saruman in a very scary voice. 'The shadow takes shape in the kitchen of Mordor. So the cupcake of power has been found?'

'All these long years it was in McDonald's, under my very nose,' admitted Gandalf sheepishly.

'And yet you did not have the wit to see it!' scoffed Saruman. 'Your love for McDonald's McFlurries has clearly slowed your mind.'

'We still have time... time enough to counter Chef Sauron... if we act quickly.'

'Time?' said Saruman forebodingly. 'What time do you think we have? Sauron has regained much of his former baking prowess. He cannot yet bake delicious food, but his spirit has lost none of its potency. Concealed within his bakery, the chef of Mordor sees all. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth, and flesh. You know of what I speak, Gandalf... a great Eye, lidless, wreathed in flame.'

'The Eye of Sauron,' murmured Gandalf. He shivered.

'He is gathering all corn syrup to him,' said the Head Critic. 'Very soon he will have summoned enough fructose to launch an assault upon Middle Earth.'

'You know this?' asked Gandalf doubtfully. 'How?'

'I have seen it,' said Saruman evilly. He held up a shiny black ball.

'A crystal ball is a dangerous tool, Saruman,' said Gandalf.

'Why? Why should we fear to use it?'

'We don't know who could be watching us,' said Gandalf, covering the crystal with a napkin.

'The hour is later than you think. Sauron's forces are already moving. The Nine have left Minas Morgul.'

'The nine!' cried Gandalf, shocked.

'They passed the Soda Fountain on Hollow e'en, disguised as agents in black.'

'They have reached McDonald's?' asked Gandalf, stricken.

Saruman shrugged. 'They will find the cupcake, and kill the one who carries it. Did you really think that a fast-food eater could resist chocolate? There are none who can. Against the power of sugar, there can be no victory. We must join with chef Sauron. It would be wise, my friend.' Saruman suddenly turned Disco.

Gandalf hissed. 'Boo! Tell me, when did Saruman the critic abandon Luwak* for Starbucks?'

Suddenly Gandalf was flung to the tile. He slammed against a table, pinned there by some unseen force. He struggled against it, but the force is more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

'I gave you the chance,' said Saruman, 'to aid me willingly, but you... have elected... the way... of... paaaaiiiinnnn!'

* * *

Don't you just love that line? :P *heartheartheart*

*I looked this up; apparently it's the most expensive coffee ever. ;)

I Love Ratatouille! Are there any other Ratatouille-lovers out there (the movie, not the food. Haven't tried it, actually)?

I'm thinking of posting my Chef Sauron pic on DeviantArt (provided I can figure out how lol) for all you great people who guessed the song! :P To post, or not to post? That is the question...

I'm also considering changing the title of this to Melkor's Bakery. I don't think the site will let me, but I think it _is _going to be a bakery, so... well, we'll see.

Anyways, thanks for your patience! I'll try to be less tardy in the future. :) Please add to that beautiful list of reviews!


	6. 6 The Sheetz! Twenty Miles!

_A/N: First off: How do you like my new cover photo? XD It's awesome, ain't it? Unfortunately, it cuts off part, but oh well. _  
_Announcement: Hear ye, hear ye, all you who correctly answered the question (yes, One Thing by One Direction), I put a Chef Sauron pic as my avatar for a limited time only! It's very silly and cute. :) _

_Announcement no. 2: I have a new poll up! Please take a moment to vote; I can guess what you'll choose (1. LotR 2. Hobbit 3. ...)... well, maybe. You go vote so I know what to write about next! :D_

_Once more (well, probably not __once__ more, but...), thank you for the reviews! _  
_**Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant, **don't worry! Now you get to catch up and get a bigger helping than usual. :) True. Nothing can burn it but the fires of the Oven of Doom... oops, spoilers... XD NO, of course no one should eat it! It will destroy you! O.o Yes, Saruman thinks fast food eaters are tasteless. Not tasteless as in bland, but in having an uncultured palate. Hmm, making Saruman a cannibal would be an interesting twist... :P **OneSizeFitsAll**, noooo! Don't remind me. That was so embarrassing. D: **ThurinRanger**__, you. just. filled. my. ego. to. bursting! Stop it. I will have serious mental, emotional, maniacal, etc. problems if you keep complimenting me like this. :D Thank you so much! I shouldn't say this, but I'm glad that the lack of my stories is to you like murder... :P __**ACE**__**MCSHANE**__..., you liked it? Yay! Thanks for the review! I'm glad I made you laugh! :) By the way, I just LOVE your profile picture... of course! Merry rocks! :D :D :D __**MOSObsessed**__, thanks for reviewing! ...wait, you mean you only just started wanting chocolate cupcakes? The worst part of writing this fan fic: constant, chronic, everlasting, infinite, chocolate cravings. D: But it's worth it, for you! :P __**ccgaylord**__, I know, right? I want to, too. Though it may not be the best __tasting__; it only said it was the most expensive. ;) __**TimeyWimeyGirl**__, COFFEE. Second only to Chocolate. :P Yes, for me, fan fiction writer that I am, having terribly intense cravings is an occupational hazard. __**literaturelife7**__, thanks for reviewing! Congratulations for being the new reviewer of the day! I'm very glad you're enjoying it. __**2MFriedmanFreak**__, hoho, yes, what could possibly be worse than Evil!Galadriel? Fat!Galadriel! *shivers* I have plans for that scene... __**LadyOfAnfalas**__, haha, I tried to think of a better name, but that one just stuck. __**LaurielS**__, haha I'm still trying to figure out what to do with the nine. SPOILER: I think they might be health inspectors or something... but I change my mind in the blink of an eye, so... __**ArwenisWholocked**__, CORRECT! One more Chef Sauron plushie! _  
_Thanks again all for the reviews!  
...and did anyone else notice that the author's notes are getting as long as the actual chapters?... D: I need to stop talking... XD_

* * *

Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee walked down the road taking them to Burger King. Suddenly Sam let out a shout.  
'Mr. Frodo!' he yelled, 'where are you?'  
Frodo stuck his head out of the window of a car. 'I'm hitching a ride,' he said. 'What's the matter?'  
'I thought I lost you,' said Sam sheepishly, hopping into the car.  
'What are you talking about?' asked Frodo.  
'It's just something the critic said,' said Sam. 'He said, "Don't you feed him, Samwise Gamgee", and I don't mean to.'  
Frodo was concerned. 'Sam, we're still near McDonald's. How could you possibly keep me from eating?'  
Suddenly, a figure came crashing through the car window, sending glass and Frodo flying.  
'Frodo?' said the intruder. 'Merry! It's Frodo Baggins!'  
'Hello, Frodo,' said Merry, who was busy knocking over Sam.  
'What's the meaning of this?' said Sam.  
'Sam, hold this,' said Merry, giving him a large fries.  
'You've been into the Wendy's dumpster!' said Sam accusingly. An angry voice was heard in the distance.  
The fast-food eaters ran.  
'I don't know why he's so upset,' said Merry. 'It's only a couple of soft drinks.'  
'And some hamburgers,' said Pippin. 'And those three bags of happy meals that we lifted last week. And then the ketchup the week before.'  
'Yes Pippin,' said Merry, 'my point is, he's clearly over reacting.'  
Suddenly the group came to the highway. They skidded to a halt.  
'I think we should get off the road,' said Frodo uneasily. There was the sound of a car approaching, and then scary spy music began to play in the background.  
'Get off the road!' yelled Frodo, who was intelligent enough to know that when scary music plays in the background, something bad is about to happen.  
The fast-food eaters dove for cover, just in time. A sleek black Acura pulled up and a dark figure in a suit and dark glasses got out. He stood looking into the bushes where they were concealed.  
Frodo suddenly felt an irresistible urge to eat the Cupcake. He was terribly hungry.  
The man in the suit put his hand into his pocket and pulled out a gun.  
Frodo squeezed his eyes shut. Suddenly he had quick psychic blasts! He saw a dark oven, a great eye... a burst of flame!  
'Frodo?' whispered Sam, breaking the psychic link.  
Merry suddenly threw a soft drink across the road. The man in the suit turned and ran to where it had fallen, leaving the four.  
'What was that?' asked Merry.  
'I have to leave McDonalds,' said Frodo weakly. 'Sam and I must get to Burger King.'  
'McDonald's is better,' Pippin said helpfully.  
'Right!' said Merry, more helpfully. 'Taxi!'  
Suddenly a sleek black Acura burst down the road. The fast-food eaters ran for the nearest taxi with all their might. Just in time, Frodo manages to pull himself in and the taxi starts off.  
'How close to the nearest gas station?' asked Frodo, relieved to see that the black Acura seemed to be out of gas.  
'The Sheetz,' said Merry, 'twenty miles!'  
The four were safe, but only for the moment...

* * *

Yes. Yes. The authoress' note is almost longer than the chapter. I'm so sorry! The chapter will be longer next time, I promise! :) Anyways, please review, and thanks for reading!


	7. 7 Where'd You Go? Noooo!

_A/N: This chapter is just an interlude, really. It is a parody written by my good friend and reader OneSizeFitsAll. All credit goes to her on this one. If you like this, go check out her stories. They're really funny, especially 'A Reasonable Defense'. I'll be continuing the story in the next chapter, which will hopefully be up soon. I've been busy for a little while, which is why I haven't updated. Forgive the delays, and ThurinRanger, I hope you have survived these weeks without my stories being updated... :P_

_**Teapot**__**of**__**transformation**__, more like Agent Coulson from the Marvel universe... but Agent Smith is cool, too. That's the general idea... XD __**Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant**__, you sound like me. Very much like me. Yes, that's exactly how I feel right now. And the Oven of Doom can cook the most powerfu- I mean, the most delicious foods in the galax- I mean, Arda! :P __**ThurinRanger**__, yup, me being vociferous, as usual. Haha, I know, it's awesome, ain't it? :P OK, I'll try not to murder you... ;) lol I like that line too (well, of course; I wrote it! :P). And hey, no, don't worry. I don't mind compliments... :P __**ccgaylord**__, oh, it looks like that line is popular. Yes, I guess Frodo does... I know I do. __**OneSizeFitsAll**__, yup. he is. __**DeLacus**__, thank you for reviewing! You are my New Reviewer of the Day! Congratulations. And I'm glad you're enjoying it. This story is one of the most fun to write that I've done. __**literaturelife7**__, yes, Pippin is the kind of Hobbit to go crashing through windows, isn't he? Oh, the product placements are so fun! In fact, they're the funnest part of the whole story. I have some trouble with them though, trying to think up ideas, so any thoughts are welcome! __**Mirlasse**__, hey, wait, shame for what? What did I do? :O ...did I steal something? O.o __**Forged**__**In**__**Fire**__**and**__**Flame**__, yes, hilarious, I know. XD Thanks for reading and for laughing! __**LadyOfAnfalas**__, you're welcome to the updates. In fact, I will do my best to shove them down everybody's throats. Because I love writing this story, and if you guys didn't read it... I would make you. Somehow. Oh, yes, Aragorn, I need to make my evil plans about Aragorn... __**ArwenisWholocked**__, congratulations! lol, does it? I never go to Burger King. Or McDonald's, either, in fact. I always go to Chick-Fil-A... is that how you spell it? I have no idea. XD __**2MFriedmanFreak**__, woops! Poor Lord- uh, __chef__ Sauron doesn't want to be a pop icon? I know, he wouldn't like it. It reminds me of a certain moment when Gorbag (or was it a different Orc?) saw the picture Lindir edited of him with painted nails... __**user2014**__, I'm so glad you like it! Please keep reading and enjoy! :)_

_**Let it Go, Mr. Frodo!**_

(Frodo stands in front of the Oven of Doom, holding the Cupcake.)  
Frodo: The fires burn bright in the oven tonight,  
No dark chef where e'er you look.  
A kitchen of desolation,  
And it looks like...I'm the cook.  
The fires are roaring like this raging fire inside;  
Couldn't keep it out...Valar know I tried.

Don't let it in, don't let them see,  
Be the good customer you've always had to be.  
Conceal, don't feel, just let it go...  
But I love it so!

Sam: (standing in the middle of the kitchen)  
Let it go! Let it go!  
What are you waiting for?  
Let it go! Let it go!  
Then turn away and slam the door!

Frodo: I don't care what you're going to say...  
Let the fire rage on...  
Heat never bothered me anyway!

It's funny how some distance  
Makes everything seem small,  
And the fears that once controlled me  
Can't get to me at all!

The Cupcake: (in a whisper, and in black speech)  
It's time to see what I can do,  
To test the limits and bread through...

Frodo and Cupcake: (singing in harmony)  
No right, no wrong,  
No rules for me!  
I'm freeeeee!

Frodo: (solo)  
Let me be! Let me be!  
I am one with the fire and stone!  
Let me be! Let me be!  
You will never hear me groan!  
Here I stand, and here I stay;  
Let the fire rage on...

The Cupcake: (again, whispering in black speech)  
My power surges through the air, into the ground...  
My soul is spiraling in flaming flickers all around...  
And one thought burns into him like an fiery blast...

Frodo: (triumphantly)  
I'm never going back! The past is in the past!

Sam: Let it go! Let it go!

Frodo: No! The Cupcake belongs to me!  
(Frodo eats the Cupcake and disappears.)

Sam: Where'd you go? No-o-oo!

Frodo: Go home, Sam...let me be!

Here I stand, a Dark Chef...hooray!  
Let the fire rage on...  
Heat never bothered me anyway!

_I hope you all enjoyed this! Leave a review thanking OneSizeFitsAll! :)_


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